Flux

My Life is in a state of flux. I recently sent a message to a friend indicating my current life's ponderings. One question rolling around in my head is...Is this the quality of life I want to have? I told my friend the answer was a resounding "no." It begs the question...what are you going to do about it? My job, my soul crushing, exhausting job has eradicated every bit of ME that there is. With Summer break upon me I am slowly but surely trying to get reacquainted with...myself, now that my job does not consume my thoughts and actions every minute of every day.
Another thing to ponder...how did I let it get that way. Perhaps is was the striving to do and be my best. Perhaps it was my perfectionism in overdrive. Perhaps it was the my overcompensation for my feelings of being an inadequate teacher. Perhaps it was because I was afraid... of what I'm not sure...perhaps of living, REALLY living. One gets hurt when one truly LIVES with a capital L. I have been unwilling to engage in my own life apart from my schooling and my job for several years.
So it is a scary thing to truly engage with your life, with people with the world, because its all flawed and messed up. But that is what I endeavour to do. Live in the moment, enjoy the journey and not be so focused on a goal.
Not that goals are inherently bad, but when you think (even subconsciously) that you will begin LIVING when such and such is done or accomplished is a pathetic way to live.

Live, Laugh, and Love.